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The Fried Turkey Tale
Dear Mom,
I hope you and dad are having a Happy Thanksgiving. this year we decided to do something a bit different and fry our turkey whole. I am in a newsgroup on the Internet that just could not say enough about how great they taste fried. I even got a recipe from one of the members. It went something like this:
1 turkey plucked and gutted - leave feet for holding turkey 5 gal bucket peanut oil. 1 extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees.
That didn't sound too complicated, and even though I've had several Kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be a festive way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Besides, we could do the deed outside on our
wooden deck to avoid making a big mess in the kitchen. What could go wrong? I couldn't find a turkey with feet at the grocery store. The butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the nice frozen one that was on sale. I figured a meat man should know, so I got one.
Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen turkey? It's a weeklong job. I figured the hot grease would do the trick anyhow, so why worry. Have you priced peanut oil lately? I decided some of the other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking oil is cooking oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just fine. Heating it was a bit tricky as it kept smoking and bubbling. But since we were outside, I thought the smoke wouldn't hurt anything.
Now this is the part you won't believe! I threw that sucker in the pot. And when the thing thawed out the oil boiled over on the wooden deck and Caught the deck on fire! We got the garden hose to put it out. Who would know not to put water on a grease fire?
It didn't really matter anyhow. In all the excitement I forgot to watch the cooking thermometer and the grease must have become too hot. I was inside the house looking for the fire extinguisher when I heard the
explosion. Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud? It was incredible!
After the fire department left, we decided to eat dinner out next year. Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined, but the deck burned down and took half the garage with it. The dog will be just fine when his fur
grows back. We've always wanted a Mexican hairless dog anyhow.
The fire department told us they make a lot of house calls about this time of the year from people frying turkeys who don't know what they are doing. Like, is it my fault that the grease was cheap and the stupid
turkey wouldn't thaw out? They need to put consumer-warning labels on turkeys!
Speaking of the turkey, we are still looking for it. I think it may have blown to bits as we've looked all over the neighborhood. If you see a turkey shaped cloud of ash circling the earth, that's probably it. By the way, you may see us on the evening news on TV. A lot of people
thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we have not been reported to the FBI.
Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine. I don't think the house will be fixed for a while since there is a lot of smoke damage. We are moving to a motel. Do you think we could come to your house for Christmas this year? You were not planning on frying a turkey,
were you?
The Rules of Housekeeping
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ... I haven't had the heart to clean it."
10. Mix one quarter cup pine scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
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